Okay, Neroite "tonyt " has been putting up some funny stuff on here, so I feel like I need to give back.   Here's a couple that made me yuk it up for a few seconds.

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This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you. " The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together. "

The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask. "Is everything alright? " the bartender asked. "What do you mean? " replied the gentleman. "Well, " the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it? "

"No, " the gentleman replied. "They're okay. It's just that I quit drinking. "

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 One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you! " He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you! " He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house.

He says to the parrot, "Did you say that? " The parrot answers "Yes I did. " So the burglar asks, "What's your name? " The parrot says "Clarence. " The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence? "

The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

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And a couple from the greatest one-liner guy ever, Rodney Dangerfield:

1.   When I was born, the doctor said to my father: "I'm sorry.   We did everything we could, but he still pulled through. "

2. Last week I told my psychiatrist that I keep thinking about suicide.   He told me from now on, I gotta pay in advance.